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Nice vs. Mean
Published on July 9, 2006 By jesseledesma In Health & Medicine
I found the information “Redesigning Your Role as a Parent” in the Family Education web site (http://www.familyeducation.com/home/).

My intent was to do a BLOG entry on parenting. However, this is information is as perfect as it can get when dealing with children.

I would say the reason we have so many problem people in our society is that we have so many people who have children but do not know how to raise them.

The one constant mistake I see is the parent who thinks that just because he or she yells out an order the child should obey it.

Small children with limited vocabularies may not understand the words the parent is using.

Children are very good at reading body language. In addition, just as a mean face, harsh tone, and threatening stance would illicit a fear response in you, these acts will also elicit a fear response in a child.

Don’t we all tend to tune out and avoid threats? Lately, I have been asking people to look at the people they look forward to seeing and spending time with in their lives.

I am willing to bet these people are pleasant people who bring joy to our lives. Moreover, we do things to please these people in order to have them in our lives.

Well doesn’t it stand to reason that children, being people, would want to have pleasant people in their lives that bring them joy? In addition, doesn’t make more sense that children who have pleasant people, who bring joy to their lives, would act in ways to please them and keep them in their life?

Look, your children are not responsible for what did not work out in your life. You should not be making them pay for your failures. Harsh parenting will only produce a stressed out person with great emotional hang-ups.

However, as I always say, every day can be a new start. Today can be the day you embrace peace.

I am a firm believer that our life conflict come from our life philosophy not being adequate to help us meet the challenges of life.

Nevertheless, it is not hopeless, because any day at any time we can open our eyes, realize we need help, and start looking for that help.

You know the net is for more than just pornography. The information below may help parents who do not understand why their children will not listen to them.

In addition, there are more web sites out there. I have no trouble recommending Focus on the Family (http://www.family.org/).

Redesigning Your Role as a Parent

Research completed at the University of Minnesota by Ruth Thomas, Ph.D., and Betty Cooke, Ph.D., has found that the most effective parents, those I call emotion coaches, are:

Sensitive
They pick up the cues of their children and sense how they are feeling. They listen and empathize.

Responsive
They respond in ways that fit their child's cues. If the child is frightened, they comfort him. If he's intense, they calm him. But they don't excuse disrespectful behavior. Their limits are clear and enforced.

Reciprocal
There is give-and-take in the relationship. The parent respects the child's emotions and teaches him to consider thoughtfully the emotions of others.

Supportive and encouraging
They understand that learning to manage one's emotions takes time and effort. They support and encourage their child as he practices.

These actions enhance children's development, foster a positive sense of self-esteem, and, most important, build healthy relationships.

The least effective parents, those I call the intimidators, are:

Insensitive
They miss the cues of their children or misinterpret them.

Unresponsive
They do not respond to their children's cues. Either they choose to ignore them or respond in ways that don't fit. What the child feels or needs doesn't matter. This parent might say something like, "I don't care if you're hot. I'm not, so leave your sweater on!"

Intrusive
Their actions are invasive. They talk too much, demand performances, invade the child's space, move too quickly, or hover over the child in a smothering way.

Dominating
They tend to overpower rather than support their children.
Dr. Thomas and Dr. Cooke found that as a result of being raised by the least effective parents, the intimidators, the children suffer. Their development is slowed, their self-esteem is damaged, and they often become angry and hostile, refusing to cooperate with adults.


Comments
on Jul 09, 2006
Thanks for sharing that link. There is a lot of great info on that site. I bookmarked it. I try to be a good mom but I miss the mark many times especially when I am just tired of dealing with it constantly. You're right, you have to look at the long term consequences and know that you kids are worth the effort.
on Jul 09, 2006
Your welcome. Oviously you heart is big and you want the best for your family. I wish you and your family the best.
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