Continue on and perserver
Who are we to think we have complete control of our lives? The truth is that we do have control and the choices we make will have complete impact in our destiny.
I was thinking today about message I could bring to people. This is a hard question because I don’t believe in anything anymore.
Today was a good example of the perversity of my life. On Friday, the taxi I work broke down. There is supposed to be a wrecker service available because the people I rent the taxi from also own the wrecker.
Well things did not work and after frustration with this company I finally lost it. I don’t like knowing I am associated with irresponsible people. I pay them the rent but apparently I have to take care of their property.
Well on my way walking home from the cab company I said enough is enough. They wont call me I wont call them.
Even though I know every day there are less and less opportunities in El Paso Texas. I wake up for no reason what so ever. When I am in the taxi it is like I am in a different planet. I just don’t want to be aware of my surroundings.
However, work pays the bills. In addition, any work that pays the bills is good work.
So I was dead set against returning to the cab. Friday and Saturday I was brainstorming about what I could do to earn a living.
I looked at American Job Bank and Work-In-Texas web sites for work I have a college degree towards. None of the listings I could apply for. Well I have always had this company that always advertises for customer service reps in mind.
The company is Echo Star. They have a calling center in El Paso, Texas. Last Sunday I saw their add and it said they are paying $10 an hour. In reality, the $7.50 an hour for bilingual operators would be enough for me to pay my bills.
Well they had no advertisement this Sunday in the classifieds. Every Sunday for the last three years I have bought a Sunday paper to look for work in what I studied and I have seen their add.
Today, the day I am ready to make some serious changes, they don’t even advertise. See, I don’t make this stuff up.
Now I am going to have to eat crow, call the cab company, see if the car is ready, and return to a business that has taken my soul.
What do you tell people when you have hit rock bottom and up is not an option? How can I pretend to cheerlead for life when life has bitterly disappointed me.
I was close to paying off two accounts. This would of yielded a savings of $235a month. However, instead of being able to celebrate this accomplishment, I have been struggling since 2007 began: not that the previous years were so great.
However, sitting in the muck we have made does not accomplish anything. The truth is that I know my circumstances are because I have been warring with God.
I just do not know what He wants. I try to focus on work, keep good thoughts, and be realistic about what I can have and cannot have in life. However, things just keep getting worse.
In addition, the reality of all of this is just getting the better of me. I cannot make good choices. I am so defeated I am ready to poor those two bottles of pain killers into a tall glass of milk and drink my way away from all of this.
The problem is I know as soon as I leave this world I will be standing in front of Jesus Christ and I not ready for that meeting. I won’t be a you have been bad and you are going to hell meeting.
My calling on Jesus Christ was real and sincere. Furthermore, I know what it means to believe that Jesus Christ lived, ministered, healed the sick, brought the dead back to life, and died for our sins.
How could I explain my bad attitude, failure to appreciate what He gave me, and my failure to believe that He would provide? My eyes well up with tears with the shame I feel living my life the way I do when I know I have the creator of the universe on my side.
In closing, I can say it is hard. However, crying about it won’t accomplish anything. Moreover, God has given us all the skills necessary to manage life. No matter how difficult things are we just have to continue on and preserver.